Solitaire

I play Freecell when I'm bored.

It's a good solitaire game -- with distinct opening, middle, and end games -- and some of the hands are very challenging.  Only a few hands are actually unwinnable, and I don't think the computer will deal those ones.

As soon as I win a game, I automatically start a new one. I realized today that the emotion I feel when I win (which I always do, because I do not give up and will restart the hand if I play it wrong) is not pride or happiness or accomplishment; it's relief. I have managed to beat one hand, but now I have to beat the next hand. Winning one game actually proves nothing to me except that I managed to stave off total failure for a short time. Then I have to play another game and win it too, and another.

I am suspecting that this is how I have lived much of my life up until now -- doing well at things and feeling only relief that I have managed to postpone exposing my fraudulence for a little while longer.

What makes this even stupider, is that it's solitaire. No one will ever know if I give up and move on to the next hand. I am not playing Competitive Ranked Solitaire (is there even such a thing?) where I have to try to win.  I am doing it for fun, and I still can't simply enjoy it.