Welcome to our self-checkout, valued customer!

For your convenience, you can now take a job away from an underpaid, non-unionized cashier and do their job with no training and for no pay.

Despite the obvious conflict of interest this imposes on you, valued customer, we trust that you will ring everything in at the correct inflated price, no matter how easy it would be to choose a lower price for an item.

Ha ha, psych! We won’t actually trust you to do that.

Instead, we will pay minimum wage to some desperate-for-a-job student for the role of looking over your shoulder—unobtrusively, we hope—and helping you to pay the right prices. If you are a person of colour or look impoverished, you can expect extra diligence in this service.

If the product we provide is essential, like food, we may even erect an exit gate that will only open when this overseer presses a control to allow you leave. There may also be a desperate-for-a-job large immigrant man whose role is to settle any minor price disputes.

We hope you have enjoyed shopping with us, and please fill out the survey to tell us how you found our service today!